Sticks and Stones

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Paris in San Francisco

The weather today reminds me of so many brisk mornings in Paris that would then erupt into those silly but necessary moments of vying for a space on the metro. Man, I miss Paris - today and those apricot pastries.......oh what I wouldn't give for that yummy apricot pastry right now with the flaky crust and the fattening cheesy/buttery/sugary filling surrounding the apricot center.

Also - today I am really tired and realized that if one is really tired and one is me - one can sleep and walk. I walk about 5 blocks or so to catch the muni every morning if I have a temp. job and I realize this route is safe and quite residential; thus, if one - being me - is still tired on the way to work - those 10 minutes of walking can become a wonderful period of sleep-filled restfulness. This is accomplished by leaning ever so slightly backwards and making the backbone jut just over the calves - if you will. Then sort of center your gravity in your calves....it sounds odd but try it. You become sort of a human cradle - - cradling yourself and I guarantee a few minutes of zzzz'z will occur on the way to your destination. Just be careful of traffic and the like as no one else expects the somnambulists to be out and about at 7:30am.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

wasssssssupppp

I am just bored....so here are thoughts. Why do they have all these new ads with hot people in them for McDonald's?? What is that all about? A response to Super Size Me...cuz it ain't like eat a dollar burger and turn dreamy.......I mean if you'll buy that as a campaign - - I got a few things I need to sell you.
You know what their campaign should be......something like "you know you're hungry and you only got two dollars - we'll take care of you" or "Come try the quarter pounder with cheese.....it is addictive" (small print: and like Heroin could ruin your health) or "Late night? Spend too much? We'll get you up and fed for under a buck." or "You like hot sexy ladies - the don't like you. We know it sucks - come have a burger."

Anyway..oh maybe that is the ad.....now I get it. It shows you a hot dreamy guy/gal and then next to his/her smoldering eyes it says some shit about the dollar menu.......but the underlying message is: "Honey, no you can never get this piece of ass....but for a buck - we'll make you think you feel good for 5 minutes."

Anyhow....the street of my new temp. job is/was blocked off today with bomb squad afoot. It seems there should be more to say about that....but there isn't. Only point of interest is - how unphased everyone on the street was....like ok these high towers make explode on my head but damn I gotta get some coffee and be to work by 9.

Another funny thing is how people say they don't like drama......shut the fuck up...you don't like drama when it is annoying. But you love the juicy other shit....you like the - - whatever you like: sex in the bathroom, lines on the table, drinks with your friends, first dates,making music,being fooolish with your friends with a facecloth on your head, great fucks, going to clubs.....whatever it is you like. I mean drama is just : an episode that is turbulent or highly emotional - right? So you like the high drama.....monkey drama if you will....the I got laid on a pool table in Brooklyn kinda drama but not the consequences that come with that - - right? That's all.....but you can't get the highs without the lows.....you can't be a rockstar quietly in a corner.....there's always a comedown. The best you can hope for is to see the beauty in the fall....and find the power to be a jumpy bouncy superhero once again.

Also - why is there actually not any ginger in most ginger ale...what is that taste? Sodium benzoate?




Monday, November 22, 2004

Trust No Bitch

Yeah - it was either that or Chinese food and Donuts.........or asparagus pizza -- all names of things I saw this past weekend in LA. The title was a bumper sticker.

What would you do if you owed oh say $200K (no I don't owe that much) and couldn't really see your way to paying that off due to unforseen failures.......thus at the rate you now earn of about 12 cents an hour - - you'll work till you're dead - - if you can hold on to your temp. job which doesn't have insurance - for that long - - and never ever see anything - - no house - - no car - - and likely not enough food....?? What would you do - - this I ask. Move? Start off anew......in a different country or state? Start stripping or dealing drugs or selling your body - - I mean it is gonna age anyway and you know you you give it up more than you really admit and you know sometimes you wish you got paid or thought you fucking should have been paid.

I used to be a positive person - -at least I really think I used to be one. Then something happened - - it is as if some one stole my shoes while I was traversing over a land made entirely of broken glass and after realizing this horrid turn of events and the bloody anguish of my feet - - my clothes were blown asunder and I was forced to continue this journey nude forever in a world of pain while the sleet and hail fell continuously. The only joy coming from those moments when the cold actually numbed the pain of my bloody stumps for awhile.

Ahh.......yummy - -just kiddding. I guess that sounds quite dark and I feel a little dark - mostly I feel bored of this life. I can't hang on the results of an exam or how and when and what I will do next time or where my next dollar will come from or how I'll pay my rent or if I'll ever find love and if I care and if I've actually made more incorrect decisions than right ones. I just want to live and be happy.......but I guess I have forgotten how. And I know I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe I should take a class somewhere - - of course I can't afford that. So - perhaps I'll finally read all these books I have been buying and stockpiling. Yeah I guess that could be good.

It is not the end of the world - - not really - -it is just hard to see past the end of your nose when your face is squished up against the wall - -you know? But I have my health (which is good since I don't have health insurance)and I have some friemds and family. So those things are all good. I do feel like I am wandering around under a dark cloud........perhaps I need some paxil or something -- I finally get those silly commercials. I really could use some medication right now of any variety. I know shut up - - whoa is me - - who really fucking cares?

Right - - it is true - - it is just hard to be excited when there doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to - - and yes that is better than some things. I am not dead - - neither has anyone I really care about died and somehow this will all work out fine - right? But until then -- I don't know how long I can paste a smile on my face or even if I can.

I really don't know that I can go through all this toil and trouble again for something I was doing just so I could make some money and be a writer.....when does the pretend and the filler become your life? Would I really let you all down if I just left? Aren't I allowed to give up? Can't that be ok? I guess I lied about no more emotional blogs.....that's all I got right now.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Communication

So much communication is not verbal.....it is bizarre. What is even more bizarre is how much communication simply is not done out of fear of confrontation, hurting someone's feelings, selfishness, fear of rejection, lack of trust, fear of sounding fake or snobby and a million other reasons - - none of which are very good - - but some of which we are all guilty of. (Yes dangling participle - - deal with it.) Thus a lot of communication is done silently and poorly.

Anyway - - I would like to stop living this way - - because it is a really silly way to live and leads to emotions building mountains inside.......living a lie and a life of fear. But at the same time I don't know that living truthfully is without its faults.

For example, about what.......oh a year ago or so......I honestly believed that a relationship (for lack of a better term) that I was having of sorts could perhaps be more than it was and even believed this strange on-line message was conveying that I was not alone in this belief. I confronted this guy about this on-line message but he said that it wasn't him.....I was wrong - - and he could not handle anything more - - didn't want to be a boyfriend (read:my boyfriend but he didn't have the balls to say that it was that he didn't like me - - even when confronted with that clearly asked question)....etc. You've heard the story before in some other form.......so this has turned me off to honesty due to the fact that it made me look foolish and made me realize what I perceive in another person is often wrong and why bother with the possible hurt that could follow........etc.

Now (since this bizarre interaction of yesteryear) at best I tell guys that I fall for.......that indeed I like them when I am drinking (and I sometimes mistakenly imply that I like guys that I don't when I am in that state as well) or something like that or not at all. Why? Fear of looking foolish? Fear of rejection? Fear of losing another relationship in whatever form it exists already? Fear that I am wrong about my feelings? Or that I am simply unwilling to trust another person not to hurt my feelings - - or to trust him to be able to act like an adult and let me down firmly but nicely? Or simply fear that if the guy liked me - - he'd certainly tell me and thus I should in some old fashioned way wait for this to happen and if it doesn't accept the fact that it doesn't as my answer.

However, I do know enough guys to realize that not all guys find it easy to tell a woman how he feels..............or they have the same fears and perhaps are also waiting for some really overt sign from a woman so as to not be faced with rejection, confusion, hurt. But at the same time I see that many guys are really really persistant if they like a woman - - and this is perhaps far more common...................I beieve the latter is very true and thus live by that. I wonder if this is actually a good way to live or not.

My ex-boyfriend from about 8 or 9 years ago - - came to visit me out here about a year or so ago......He came to realize about feelings that I used to have for a friend of mine and pleaded with me to tell him..........he really urged this on me. I went against my ex's advice and did not tell my friend of my feelings but I am quite sure he knew of them anyway. I eventually got over falling for that guy.......kept my silence until far after I had dealt with falling for him and feeling emotionally confused-drained-unloved-whathaveyou. But I do believe my silently dealing with my feelings and eventually moving on saved that friendship.......which I cherish very much.

So sometimes not expressing oneself seems to be the answer.........I guess. But it is draining as well and stiffling.........but maybe that is still better due to the fact that in some ways - - you can only fall for someone once. If you act on it and love them and they love you and it doesn't work........that's it - - you can never get them back, you are scarred by the pain and destruction, harbor feelings of inadequacy, and worse perhaps - - if they come back to you - - you can never really love them again (this is mostly true - sometimes false - - but most serious breaks leave wounds that can never be healed and thus at best you will spend too much time trying to recapture what you thought you once had - - whilst never really getting what you need). So the answer - - is - - I don't know..........wait for Godot forever.......and hope Beckett was wrong and someday Godot will come a-knocking? Or risk it all and chance risking far more than you are really willing to lose? (and I have never been a good gambler - - rather dislike the idea of it in general - - seems a stupidly easy way to lose money, sanity, and happiness)).

Oh well - - I don't know and I have about Bridget Jonesed myself out of even being interesting in this entry any longer. But in her style: Promise to be kinder to self, Promise not to write another emo filled blog for some time - - at least not of this sort, and note to self: drinking less is likely to lead to both less people believing erroneously that I like them and more control over how and when I express my feelings for anyone - - - however finding myself quite fond of of the lush life at times - - it is possibly very likely that note to self will be forgotten, ignored or rationalized away.

weight: 110, Drink intake today: well depends on when day stared - really - - we'll say 1, Number of super silly vague emotional blogs: 1 (today)

Crowd Surfing

Interestingly - went to the TV on the Radio and The Faint show the other night. Asked my friend Bryan if he would crowd surf.......he agreed or so I thought. Unfortunately for me - - He thought I said that I wanted to crowd surf......which never really crossed my mind.......I just thought it would be funny if he crowd surfed.......

Anyway - - miles of miscommunication ending in no one crowd surfing and me being called weak. While I truly believe I am too old to crowd surf and may be molested in the process........I have decided that next opportunity that presents itself to me to crowd surf in Bryan's presence - - I shall take it...........you have it in writing now Bryan........soooooo I hope you are eagerly awaiting the apprpropriate show - - and I have decided it will actually be quite funny if I crowd surf my little ole self...cuz for one night I can be for one moment that crowd surfing rockstar or indie rock crowd surfing chick.....And afterwards I fully intend to wander around saying damn, I am Rick James - Bitch....or perhaps I'll insert my name and that will be oodles of fun...............so I'll do it.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

The Library

Go to the Library - - right now......go there.....stop reading this and go. Or well it may be closed now but go in the morning - - it is so much fun - - it may be the best place in the world. Go.....it is free....if I can ask of you one thing ---- spend some time there. First - - the millions of books, the cool architecture and the people (it is free - - they are all there - - in all shapes, sizes, economic classes, and with differing emotional status). If you hate reading - - they have Cds, DVDs and VHS movies. They even have a cafeteria and a bookstore with cheap ass really amazing reads (for those of us afraid of deadlines and late fees). Go there - - it is great......I love the Library.

Of Leaving

There is that moment when someone actually leaves your life and there is that moment as it is forever frozen in your mind. It is a strange phenomenon.....sometimes when remembering someone leaving or the ending of something - - the memory doesn't at all coinside with the actual chronoligical timeline. For example, a relationship may have ended far after that last moment that it really really existed.........

I had this boyfriend on and off for years......crazy boy - - older than me - an utter hell on wheels kind of boy. The kind your mother hates and you love......and your mother thinks you love him because she hates him. He was my wild adventure....and I still remember the first moment I saw him and how I wanted that rebel outlaw (you can read: loser, if you want). He was so wrong for me and so out of control. We spent most of our relationship on the brink of his insanity. He drove a red camaro (that I went with him to buy for $4500 cash), he listened to Iron Maiden, slept with my close friend (after I went home! - yes the same night), drank too much, did too much cocaine (or crack?), and was constantly in trouble with the law and generally a menace. I spent so much time picking glass out of cuts and bailing him out of jail and comforting him when he was down. I visited him in boarding houses, crack houses, and jail cells..........but it wasn't all like that.

He was the smartest person I ever met. He mastered this language like I couldn't believe - - his thoughts and the way he could turn a phrase would fucking kill you. He did my french homework for me in highschool and sometimes college -- just because he liked to, in fact - I wonder if on some level that is why I lived in Paris for awhile? Hmmm... After the alcohol and the drama - - when all the glass was picked from his wounds and we'd left the scene of the crime - - - he would be so candid and so honest - - it would break my heart. Sometimes he was really just this boy who needed his father's love and got beaten instead.....sometimes late at night - - he knew who he was and couldn't bear to look in the mirror and had to look at me to be ok and I needed that too. I needed to just sit there in the silence and be looked at and spoken to.....because only at those moments was I really totally alive. Only at those moments did I ever know true unconditional love for another human being - - and only at those precise moments was I accepted as is......I was enough - more than enough - - just me and so was he, rough edges and all. For all the trouble he caused - - all the times I had to explain away him showing up at my mother's house at 2am drunk........it will forever be worth it - - for what I gained is unimaginable. I am sure some readers (if there are any) would think this is merely the nostalgic reminising of a now grown - once naive girl.......of that I will never know. But I do know when he would take my hand in his in the silly red camaro with the t-tops off and Iron Maiden blaring - - I could feel his pulse and see in his eyes what we had for each other - - our commanality in life. It was never like being in love with each other - - I don't know that I could have accepted so much if it were that - - it was like being in love with life or something else.......like not being alone -like feeling content in my soul for one second.

After he died I would have these vivid dreams for a whole year of just sitting and drinking at a table with him and having conversations. Really - for about a year I slept in this otherness - - this world of strange communication. It was never sex - never kissing - never adventures.........just us talking and being completely ok.......even if the whole night was spent silently at that dreamscape table - - we were ok. It is strange that I never really thought of that in this way until I just wrote this ....but I guess in some ways our relationship ended far after his life.....and in some ways it ended before.

There is this moment - - this very particular moment when he died for me.....not when he was hit by the train, or when I saw the look in my brother's eyes of the unimaginable news I would have to bear, or when Steve told me what happened. It was this moment leaving his house about two weeks before his death and he looked at me. He was lying in his little sister's bed and watching me leave - - asking me to stay. It is so strange because it had this surreal feeling even then (or at least it does in my memory but memory is subjective - so who knows). I felt like he was taking a picture of me with his eyes. And the really bizarre thing is how that memory still sits in my head......I remember it through his eyes. I mean I never lived it that way and I know it is crazy, but I remember watching me go from the room. I see it all - - my brown cordory pants, my grey wool sweater, and brown doc martin's......and I could see myself as beautiful - - not some tom boy with my hair cut too short and my pants too baggy. I think that was the moment the relationship really ended .............when I left that room - it was forever gone..........before the death and the tears and the craziness to follow.......something left at that very moment or at least that is how it will remain for me in that moment forever frozen in my mind.

Licking Pavement

Ahh.........drinks - - early night of course turning into late night middle of the week adventure in cabs and trying to find the party -- chase the dream on a Monday night?? Who drinks on a Monday? People who have temp. jobs that randomly have odd days off and why drink? To spend all the money you made that day and likely more...........especially since I bought 3 CDs whilst at work which is likely all I got paid to answer phones..........

Nothing very exciting happened - - some high schooler asked if I was a temp. like in School of Rock......and then some of my friends and I spent the evening drinking and discussing money, relationships and bad sex............yep I may be done with sex.

Of course this is coming from the mouth or fingertips of someone who is still in the same clothes she wore last night, still frustrated and cynical and broke and......having a day of licking pavement. That is my phrase - - I coined it - I own it. If it starts catchig on and all the kids start using it.........I get the credit.

It is a great phrase - I think - -way better than other silly catch phrases like "by the skin of my teeth" or something......it explains exactly how one feels. I feel like I have been designated to the illustrious job of licking pavement - - and will function for the day with the remnant of that taste on my tongue.........unable to shake it - - no matter what I do. And one would think that the memory of living through a day of licking pavement would remind you not to go there again......but it ain't like that - - the party night of drinks etc never looks like kneeling over a dirty road - - it seduces you again and again - - - high heels......high cheekbones.....nice ass - - what ever rocks your boat..............the night is the wolf dressed up as your dream lay......but in the morning you'll be here with me - licking pavement.

Monday, November 08, 2004

What if Love is The Answer

Ok - - so this is going to be very Sarah Jessica Parker of Sex and the City - of me - - but who cares --- plus I not so secretly really enjoy that show. Anyway - - all I really want to do today is smoke about eight million cigarettes and drink 12 pots of coffee and perhaps some sweet vermouth from little green sherry glasses (of which I have none) and lament life - - my lack of money and mostly - -- - discuss with anyone who will listen the dire need that I have for someone to make me a t-shirt that says "Cynical and Jaded" perhaps with the sub-title of You have been given Fair Warning or some type of shit. I would also like to sit and pontificate about the absolute stupidness of love and love-like relationships and on that note - - here is why..............

And I have given this great thought........ First, they never ever work - - the best we can ever hope for is to spend a good deal of time with someone whom we consider a friend/companion. This is true because the relationship won't work in any other sense - - one person always cares more than the other does for the other, there are always lies - - always, it will become painful or boring, someone will die first, people are bound to age and change and that is likely to create distance (if you don't believe this look at your relationship with your parents - - they've known you longest - - but hasn't time created distance - - how well do they really know you now?) - - - and then resentment - - - most relationships lead to resentment - - either blame for the failure of the relationship - - or not achieving one's goals in life - - - - etc. Then there are the real issues of expectations - - - they are never met on either side............. for example: I will never find a hot tortured poet type - - who is highly intelligent, a good communicator; lover of indie rock, jam bands and electronic music - - -who likes films - - appreciates my writing - -reads books and loves to travel.....and does and will ........who likes animals and did I mention was a good communicator - - - that I liked and was attracted to..........who liked me back and didn't want to change me. I will just continue to like guys who find me fuckable and fuck guys who find me likable.......or something like that. Because I, like everyone, am so damn stupid. Love? It is it a fleeting emotion at best...........one that you can't hold on to or change or attain - - really ever.

I mean at best we love the idea of being in love. Who have we truly loved - - in the been in love with sense for any great period of time way?? Long loves - usually turn into a brotherly sisterly companion thing............or just utter resentment one side - sad longing on the other. Or the most logical and usual love is where one person remains forever in love with the unattainable image of the way they thought their lover was when they met and the other loves the security of not being alone. That scenario is seen often - - one person remembers that great hope that existed in the beginning - - here was that one person who actually finally had all those qualities that they had dreamed of - - this is especially true if that other person was unattainable due to being in another obviously "wrong" relationship...........and one starry night - - you drank wine, uttered poetry, took a long walk and felt the comfort of being in the arms of someone who was filled with possibilities.

You keep this person in some part of your twisted brain - - so that you can return to this image whenever you feel almost good about life - - - so as to torture yourself about what you have lost. The realty being that this other person while mostly good - - was rarely this poetic lovely dancing wanderlust filled wonder - -- mostly when you drank you argued, lunch became dull, one person cheated at least once, you constantly felt misunderstood, you felt stifled, overworked, disrepected.....and alone but feared that actually being alone would be worse. You did silly things you'd have never even been interested in had you not convinced yourself it was all worth it: insert here: lectures on daoism, horseback riding in the country, attended church or temple, listening to republicans debate, eating chinese food, watching a really long foreign film in a language you didn't understand without your glasses, cooking a gourmet meal when it usually pains you to boil water or worse taking a cooking class, joining a gym when the last time you did more then move fist to chin was during the physical fitness test during high school, or listening quietly to anyone of the following: nearly any country singer, Justin Timberlake, any band named creed or something like that.....or most deep house music.

Get me a pack of cigarettes, a coffee, an ear and perhaps some Leonard Cohen on low in the backround or maybe Tom Waits........I'm just getting started here.......

giving up

Maybe there is a reason just to give up (this of course makes me think of postal service).....anyway - - I mean really just live a lie .....play with fire. I could just become a money loving republican - - - dump toxics - - eat paste - - kill kill kill. I could become a character from the book The Fountainhead -- - eat logic for breakfast........love art and beauty and hide from the world because I know you'd never really appreciate it or something like that. Be fat - happy - lazy and far less tortured.........keep the secret of my love of life and art and beauty to myself until it is eaten by the patent office of my discontent and my lie becomes a realty.

For this I would have to listen to what? Bauhaus? Oasis? Britney Spears? Maddona - - I am thinking "material girl" era here.............or likely Gwor or Iron Maiden.......Phish's Weigh (is that what that is called).......or Liz Phair's new album for the sell out quality.....something ambient yet disturbing by Boards of Canada..........or the light and beautiful sounds of Elliot Smith while I become all that killed him?

blah blah blah

So.......I have learned that TV on the Radio also uses blog spot for their blogs.........sweet - - although - likely a bunch of idiots do as well - - so I am no smarter nor cooler than anyone else - - just cause we breathe the same air - right?

My main problem in life is that I can't get over my damn self.... and I see this as the problem with most people. I spend a great deal of time wishing I was cool tall vulnerable and luscious and ...... that gets me nothing. I also spend a great deal of time listening to and seeking out music and find that as with books - - this is a process that is ever evolving and leads to more searching and finding - - but you gotta love the journey - - Right?

Since I believe I have annoyed and perhaps angered my friends by being offended by their fire-escape discussions of me........I must stop emailing them or being concerned with what I believe is their perception of me and find all things good and well once again - - lest I give into my insanity - insecurity and depression.

I can't believe it is only 9:30 in the morning - - I am bored out of my skull as I do my temporary job of the day - - which is as a receptionist in a private high school - - - bizarre - - these kids look so young - hard to believe that I was only in high school ten years ago or so. I yearn for there to be ridiculous high school students here a la Fast Times at Ridgmont High, Dazed and Confused or The Dreamers (or were they in college). I just want to see some kids fully realize the fleeting aspects of this time of their life and take full advantage of it - - is that because I did or didn't? I don't know - I mean in reality I think high school was a place I wanted to escape from - - - such silliness of popularity............but it still seems like a popularity battle on most days even now - - just different players - - different games - - and me still trying not to play.

Anyway - I am working on this book (or maybe not) - -- but my curiosity is whether or not one's friends would be angered if they saw a character that seemed to have some similarities to one's own self? I mean I guess there are two takes on this - - - or three. 1) I never finish the book - or no one ever reads it - so who cares or 2) Mostly loved - a la Jack Kerouac or 3) some bad reception a la Thomas Wolfe or Hunter S. Thompson.........not that I would ever be as great as these writers but mentioning Blair Blahserton - - - would not evoke any mental picture - right?

This blog is slightly boring.........will return later........with party favors and robots.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Searching for Max Fischer

Remember being in High School? In the continuing saga of what will Nikki do whilst waiting for her Bar results - - today I am temping at a private Jewish High School. I had so hoped that it would be something akin to the School in Rushmore and that someone much like Max would arrive to amuse me but life ain't like the movies - - at least not yet.

Although perhaps this life is like a horror movie where a country that barely understands its rights and is willing to give them away daily in the peverse hope that it will bring our continued "safety" - - which obviously means elect or "re" elect Bush.........How many Max Fischer type of people can there be left?