Trust No Bitch

Yeah - it was either that or Chinese food and Donuts.........or asparagus pizza -- all names of things I saw this past weekend in LA. The title was a bumper sticker.

What would you do if you owed oh say $200K (no I don't owe that much) and couldn't really see your way to paying that off due to unforseen failures.......thus at the rate you now earn of about 12 cents an hour - - you'll work till you're dead - - if you can hold on to your temp. job which doesn't have insurance - for that long - - and never ever see anything - - no house - - no car - - and likely not enough food....?? What would you do - - this I ask. Move? Start off anew......in a different country or state? Start stripping or dealing drugs or selling your body - - I mean it is gonna age anyway and you know you you give it up more than you really admit and you know sometimes you wish you got paid or thought you fucking should have been paid.

I used to be a positive person - -at least I really think I used to be one. Then something happened - - it is as if some one stole my shoes while I was traversing over a land made entirely of broken glass and after realizing this horrid turn of events and the bloody anguish of my feet - - my clothes were blown asunder and I was forced to continue this journey nude forever in a world of pain while the sleet and hail fell continuously. The only joy coming from those moments when the cold actually numbed the pain of my bloody stumps for awhile.

Ahh.......yummy - -just kiddding. I guess that sounds quite dark and I feel a little dark - mostly I feel bored of this life. I can't hang on the results of an exam or how and when and what I will do next time or where my next dollar will come from or how I'll pay my rent or if I'll ever find love and if I care and if I've actually made more incorrect decisions than right ones. I just want to live and be happy.......but I guess I have forgotten how. And I know I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe I should take a class somewhere - - of course I can't afford that. So - perhaps I'll finally read all these books I have been buying and stockpiling. Yeah I guess that could be good.

It is not the end of the world - - not really - -it is just hard to see past the end of your nose when your face is squished up against the wall - -you know? But I have my health (which is good since I don't have health insurance)and I have some friemds and family. So those things are all good. I do feel like I am wandering around under a dark cloud........perhaps I need some paxil or something -- I finally get those silly commercials. I really could use some medication right now of any variety. I know shut up - - whoa is me - - who really fucking cares?

Right - - it is true - - it is just hard to be excited when there doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to - - and yes that is better than some things. I am not dead - - neither has anyone I really care about died and somehow this will all work out fine - right? But until then -- I don't know how long I can paste a smile on my face or even if I can.

I really don't know that I can go through all this toil and trouble again for something I was doing just so I could make some money and be a writer.....when does the pretend and the filler become your life? Would I really let you all down if I just left? Aren't I allowed to give up? Can't that be ok? I guess I lied about no more emotional blogs.....that's all I got right now.