Communication

So much communication is not verbal.....it is bizarre. What is even more bizarre is how much communication simply is not done out of fear of confrontation, hurting someone's feelings, selfishness, fear of rejection, lack of trust, fear of sounding fake or snobby and a million other reasons - - none of which are very good - - but some of which we are all guilty of. (Yes dangling participle - - deal with it.) Thus a lot of communication is done silently and poorly.

Anyway - - I would like to stop living this way - - because it is a really silly way to live and leads to emotions building mountains inside.......living a lie and a life of fear. But at the same time I don't know that living truthfully is without its faults.

For example, about what.......oh a year ago or so......I honestly believed that a relationship (for lack of a better term) that I was having of sorts could perhaps be more than it was and even believed this strange on-line message was conveying that I was not alone in this belief. I confronted this guy about this on-line message but he said that it wasn't him.....I was wrong - - and he could not handle anything more - - didn't want to be a boyfriend (read:my boyfriend but he didn't have the balls to say that it was that he didn't like me - - even when confronted with that clearly asked question)....etc. You've heard the story before in some other form.......so this has turned me off to honesty due to the fact that it made me look foolish and made me realize what I perceive in another person is often wrong and why bother with the possible hurt that could follow........etc.

Now (since this bizarre interaction of yesteryear) at best I tell guys that I fall for.......that indeed I like them when I am drinking (and I sometimes mistakenly imply that I like guys that I don't when I am in that state as well) or something like that or not at all. Why? Fear of looking foolish? Fear of rejection? Fear of losing another relationship in whatever form it exists already? Fear that I am wrong about my feelings? Or that I am simply unwilling to trust another person not to hurt my feelings - - or to trust him to be able to act like an adult and let me down firmly but nicely? Or simply fear that if the guy liked me - - he'd certainly tell me and thus I should in some old fashioned way wait for this to happen and if it doesn't accept the fact that it doesn't as my answer.

However, I do know enough guys to realize that not all guys find it easy to tell a woman how he feels..............or they have the same fears and perhaps are also waiting for some really overt sign from a woman so as to not be faced with rejection, confusion, hurt. But at the same time I see that many guys are really really persistant if they like a woman - - and this is perhaps far more common...................I beieve the latter is very true and thus live by that. I wonder if this is actually a good way to live or not.

My ex-boyfriend from about 8 or 9 years ago - - came to visit me out here about a year or so ago......He came to realize about feelings that I used to have for a friend of mine and pleaded with me to tell him..........he really urged this on me. I went against my ex's advice and did not tell my friend of my feelings but I am quite sure he knew of them anyway. I eventually got over falling for that guy.......kept my silence until far after I had dealt with falling for him and feeling emotionally confused-drained-unloved-whathaveyou. But I do believe my silently dealing with my feelings and eventually moving on saved that friendship.......which I cherish very much.

So sometimes not expressing oneself seems to be the answer.........I guess. But it is draining as well and stiffling.........but maybe that is still better due to the fact that in some ways - - you can only fall for someone once. If you act on it and love them and they love you and it doesn't work........that's it - - you can never get them back, you are scarred by the pain and destruction, harbor feelings of inadequacy, and worse perhaps - - if they come back to you - - you can never really love them again (this is mostly true - sometimes false - - but most serious breaks leave wounds that can never be healed and thus at best you will spend too much time trying to recapture what you thought you once had - - whilst never really getting what you need). So the answer - - is - - I don't know..........wait for Godot forever.......and hope Beckett was wrong and someday Godot will come a-knocking? Or risk it all and chance risking far more than you are really willing to lose? (and I have never been a good gambler - - rather dislike the idea of it in general - - seems a stupidly easy way to lose money, sanity, and happiness)).

Oh well - - I don't know and I have about Bridget Jonesed myself out of even being interesting in this entry any longer. But in her style: Promise to be kinder to self, Promise not to write another emo filled blog for some time - - at least not of this sort, and note to self: drinking less is likely to lead to both less people believing erroneously that I like them and more control over how and when I express my feelings for anyone - - - however finding myself quite fond of of the lush life at times - - it is possibly very likely that note to self will be forgotten, ignored or rationalized away.

weight: 110, Drink intake today: well depends on when day stared - really - - we'll say 1, Number of super silly vague emotional blogs: 1 (today)