What if Love is The Answer

Ok - - so this is going to be very Sarah Jessica Parker of Sex and the City - of me - - but who cares --- plus I not so secretly really enjoy that show. Anyway - - all I really want to do today is smoke about eight million cigarettes and drink 12 pots of coffee and perhaps some sweet vermouth from little green sherry glasses (of which I have none) and lament life - - my lack of money and mostly - -- - discuss with anyone who will listen the dire need that I have for someone to make me a t-shirt that says "Cynical and Jaded" perhaps with the sub-title of You have been given Fair Warning or some type of shit. I would also like to sit and pontificate about the absolute stupidness of love and love-like relationships and on that note - - here is why..............

And I have given this great thought........ First, they never ever work - - the best we can ever hope for is to spend a good deal of time with someone whom we consider a friend/companion. This is true because the relationship won't work in any other sense - - one person always cares more than the other does for the other, there are always lies - - always, it will become painful or boring, someone will die first, people are bound to age and change and that is likely to create distance (if you don't believe this look at your relationship with your parents - - they've known you longest - - but hasn't time created distance - - how well do they really know you now?) - - - and then resentment - - - most relationships lead to resentment - - either blame for the failure of the relationship - - or not achieving one's goals in life - - - - etc. Then there are the real issues of expectations - - - they are never met on either side............. for example: I will never find a hot tortured poet type - - who is highly intelligent, a good communicator; lover of indie rock, jam bands and electronic music - - -who likes films - - appreciates my writing - -reads books and loves to travel.....and does and will ........who likes animals and did I mention was a good communicator - - - that I liked and was attracted to..........who liked me back and didn't want to change me. I will just continue to like guys who find me fuckable and fuck guys who find me likable.......or something like that. Because I, like everyone, am so damn stupid. Love? It is it a fleeting emotion at best...........one that you can't hold on to or change or attain - - really ever.

I mean at best we love the idea of being in love. Who have we truly loved - - in the been in love with sense for any great period of time way?? Long loves - usually turn into a brotherly sisterly companion thing............or just utter resentment one side - sad longing on the other. Or the most logical and usual love is where one person remains forever in love with the unattainable image of the way they thought their lover was when they met and the other loves the security of not being alone. That scenario is seen often - - one person remembers that great hope that existed in the beginning - - here was that one person who actually finally had all those qualities that they had dreamed of - - this is especially true if that other person was unattainable due to being in another obviously "wrong" relationship...........and one starry night - - you drank wine, uttered poetry, took a long walk and felt the comfort of being in the arms of someone who was filled with possibilities.

You keep this person in some part of your twisted brain - - so that you can return to this image whenever you feel almost good about life - - - so as to torture yourself about what you have lost. The realty being that this other person while mostly good - - was rarely this poetic lovely dancing wanderlust filled wonder - -- mostly when you drank you argued, lunch became dull, one person cheated at least once, you constantly felt misunderstood, you felt stifled, overworked, disrepected.....and alone but feared that actually being alone would be worse. You did silly things you'd have never even been interested in had you not convinced yourself it was all worth it: insert here: lectures on daoism, horseback riding in the country, attended church or temple, listening to republicans debate, eating chinese food, watching a really long foreign film in a language you didn't understand without your glasses, cooking a gourmet meal when it usually pains you to boil water or worse taking a cooking class, joining a gym when the last time you did more then move fist to chin was during the physical fitness test during high school, or listening quietly to anyone of the following: nearly any country singer, Justin Timberlake, any band named creed or something like that.....or most deep house music.

Get me a pack of cigarettes, a coffee, an ear and perhaps some Leonard Cohen on low in the backround or maybe Tom Waits........I'm just getting started here.......