Virga

Rain…
When it is raining but none of the rain reaches the ground that precipitation is called virga. That is not the case here today. Today, it is raining ridiculous amounts though it is oddly warm which makes me a bit uneasy but excited. Another exciting factoid about rain is that it is said to be heavier right after a bolt of lightening. How do they measure these things?

Right now I am loving the rain – it seems oddly cleaning and comforting. Plus, the grey skies are kind of symbolic of how I feel. Somber – Sober – Serious. Last night I had the strangest dream – perhaps it was the weather forcing a self-cleansing (purging)? I dreamt of a bizarre situation involving dismemberment. It was perhaps too bizarre to repeat and I awoke with a start. I was: 1) glad that was not real and 2) dumbfounded as to what my sub-conscious was up to at the moment. I usually (like to make myself believe that I) understand what my sleeping self is rifling through to some extent, but since my life is quite mundane my dreams are becoming more vivid and bizarre.

I could chalk this up to stress and an outlet for all non-law related thoughts. I prefer to think of it as a purging of the past and of fear and thus, like the rain, a cleansing of the underbelly of my mind. But who knows really…rain is mysterious like the thoughts of the sub-conscious and our thoughts on such things (as with most things) are often slightly askew. For instance, did you know most rain drops are spherical…that tear drop shape that rain is oft depicted as – is really just water as it falls off surfaces – not as it falls out of the clouds.

So here is to the pensive, the elusive, the indefinable…rain.

Ever Realize you are Growing Up...it is Shocking

Ok - honestly I am certainly in the habit of doing really strange stuff...this I know. I mean I write this silly blog for one. But I do strange shit...not like strange gross - no beastiality or anything and not strange like I go to burning man (tho I do)...strange like this....

I have no problem being friends with my ex's exs or the new love interest of the guy I like, etc. Strange like - "what is wrong with me? Am I a doormat?" And don't get me wrong - I can be a jealous person. Inside, I am jealous as fuck at times. I have really worked hard not to project that and hopefully to get rid of it. Tho telling people of my jealousy in this format - apparently not a problem...

But in the end no matter what you do or who you are - you gotta be honest with yourself somewhere - right? So, you are friends with your ex's ex and you are really truly great friends..but no matter who you are sometimes you get freaking jealous - right? Like why was this other woman on my man...

But I have found the pay off of great friendships is worth all this nonsense - 110% So, I continue to be strange or what have you. But - ok - here is my "I am growing up and it is Shocking" moment. I have this friend that I used to like - a guy. But I also really valued his friendship - so I fought for that. It is really hard to be friends with someone you like - but it is possible. The hard part for us all - I imagine - is the jealousy thing..."You want her but not me?" - right? And I usually, due to my truly great friendship with this guy, swallow my jealousy and listen to the woes of his lovelife, etc and try to be a better person on the outside than I am on the inside. But today - I shocked myself. He tells me of this girl he met and it was a good story and it sounds like a really great lady as well. And I was genuinely happy for him inside and out. And here is the kicker - I am not even one little bit jealous. So, I figure I must be growing up.

So, that is a nice thing...for many reasons. 1) I have been young for a long time now it might be nice to grow up and do some shit - you know? 2) I have found a great friendship where there should be just that and 3) I have something I think I lost for awhile there - I have the renewed hope and belief that there are good relationships to be had out there...I mean the way he talked about her was so great and I realize that is how it should be and that if I am very lucky I will get me some of that from somewhere too. I also have realized some of the reasons that I don't have that. Sometimes, it is true and really hard to admit but sometimes one is not in a relationship due to ones own acts...yes I meant that to be funny.

I mean really - I want to be in love - who doesn't? It is the best freaking thing on earth...anyone that has had it knows that. But unfortunately - if you get burned as most of us have been - myself included...well it just doesn't seem worth the risk. 'Cuz that loss really freaking sucks. I mean even thinking about that right now makes me happy I am single. So - yes I think I will stay in the protective bubble of Nikkiness for awhile longer which is good 'cuz I gotta pass the Bar and blah blah blah.

It is funny tho - a few months ago a friend of mine was asking why I didn't have a boyfriend? I was all, "Me? I am soooo much better alone." And he was encouraging me to find one. I scoffed off the suggestion and I would probably do the same now. 'Cuz it scares the shit out of me and also, honestly, sometimes I think I am just better alone. Also, I am like the pickiest person on Earth and meet maybe one or two people a year that I would even Consider the Slight Possibility of waking up to every morning. Less drama and emotions and all that when it is just me...but hmmm...I tell you my buddy made his new possible love sound so good that I for a moment I found myself re-evaluating my no dating policy.

Anyway, enough about that. It is so strange to be here studying and rather isolated and so bizarrely good in certain ways. I am quite healthy here since my social circuit is pretty limited. And even though I drink way less and eat better - I have even gained three pounds...which is good - I think. Though - that is all I want to gain - unless it wants to all go to my breasts (kidding). But really - I highly suggest some time with yourself - if you are lost. I was so lost and I think this hibernation is really helping. At 30, I may actually grow up..hee hee. I mean - I am no stranger to myself but now...I am finding those keys to unlocking even more secrets of life. Lots of the secrets are really obvious like being honest, forgiving yourself, and taking responsibility for your life. These of course are not secrets...they are just a lot harder than they sound. Like eating healthy and working out...sounds easy and it really does make you feel better...but it is really really hard. In high school I used to play Lacrosse and run 10 miles a day - now I am like - Who was that girl?

Anyway - this is rambling and may be deleted but it is basically to say thanks. I have great group of supportive amazing friends in SF that I cannot wait to see...but I am so glad to be able to have this time. I may just come back as a better me - imagine that. And really - also - I would like to apologize for the bad part of myself that was taking center stage for the last year or so. She hogs so much of the limelight! No, really - I fell and was so lost. But, I think slowly I am figuring out how to climb out of this pit and it is not as hard as it seemed and far more rewarding than I would imagine. I mean really - I am even thankful for the fall and that would have sounded absolutely absurd and like a lie if I said that to myself a month ago.

So I apologize for being weak or rather not weak but human and thus I suppose that is not an apology at all. What I really want to say is thank you - you that are truly my friends (and you know who you are). Thank you guys for basically having faith in me. I mean I had almost zero faith that things were going to go up for me even if I tried to profess it. I mean I am far from perfect and I still have a lot of climbing to do...but I found some strength and that is a good thing.

This is how I think of myself right now...I am in that little room in Zelda - the one where you go to fill up your life and health. Do you guys remember Zelda? You know the old real Zelda for nintendo...the Zelda that you had to blow into the cartridge and the machine to make work. Apparently Nintendos were like the dustiest things on earth because I have 7 zillion memories of being a kid and blowing into that machine...ahh you gotta laugh right? Anyway - that is where I am now in the magical restoring health and life room. This is a good thing because I am actually getting younger and plan to return to SF as a 24 year old ;-) This way when I am done with Boston - I can go on adventures, perhaps use my karate, and save the Prince. Or I could just go on adventures...let everyone save themselves...it is really far more gratifying. We all need to be saved sometimes and we all need help and support but the true kind save your soul shit - is going take a lot more than a sword wielding savior in the end.

Baby, sometimes You just feel it

Sometimes you know the reality of life...that snowflakes are singular...that you get why the plastic bag in "American Beauty" was beautiful. You see You as you are...You see your friends and family as they Are and after you swallow the fear and the risk...you know it is real and fucking beautiful...Thank you all!!!!

Second Person

Ok - so I made these sticky notes to myself to remind/encourage myself to pass the Bar. Tho I am ridiculously confused whether it would be more encouraging to see these little words of wisdom in second person (You will pass the Bar!) or in first person. So, naturally - I have made both and now wonder whether that means I am just losing it.

It is 2006...and I made some resolutions. Ok admittedly, I made them on New Year's Day not NYE and they are all (save one) things I was resolved to do anyway. I decided not to write walk up Coit tower on my list to watch 365 days go by and that never seem quite as appealing as it must on New Year's Eve.

So this thought got me going...I am giddy from about 13 hours of studying today anyway...but what about a list that you know you would be able to accomplish but could nonetheless hang on your fridge and provide amusement as you tick off the occurrences of the 'resolutions' -

Like I resolve to:
1) waste an entire evening drinking too much of (Insert liquor of choice here) and wake up very fuzzy hoping that what ever it is that I have done is as completely erased from the memory of whomever got to witness said scandalous behavior as it is from my own.

2) spend an entire day at work while being paid while actually planning the fabulous vacation that I wish I were on instead.

3) be late to work one morning (at least) due to (choose one or more: late night of partying, really great morning sex, amazing dance party I had secretly in my room with Madonna in the AM that went on a little too long, late night of working, or because I spent all night reading a freaking book that I could not for the life of me put down even when I saw 4:35 am staring at me mockingly).

4) eat donuts for dinner.

5) wear the same clothes for more than the same day...

6) laugh at myself.

7) laugh at my friends.

8) be there for someone when he/she and I least expect it.

9) help someone without realizing it.

10) hurt someone on purpose (and regret it - maybe).

11) let someone help me.

12) get hurt and survive.

13) Choose one: buy sexy new lingerie to wear alone while eating ice cream, try a new drug, run a marathon, fall in love, or pass the Bar.

(Ok....you can choose more than one for #13....and that seems lucky and likely doable....)

Is doable a word? Am I on crack? Well...this is what studying does...Kudos to finishing off 2005 kids. And for the New Year - if you are the person I intentionally hurt for some yet unconceivable reason - I apologize and trust me I am sure I really only hurt myself. And to whomever hurts me I say, "Do you know who the Fuck I am? I am kind of a big deal and you...you kinda suck at life...I'm just saying, I know the truth hurts."

(and just so you know how crazy I am…I am think it would actually be more grammatically correct to say Do you Know Whom the fuck I am…ahhh sweet dreams kids.)