Perpetual Toil

Sometimes life seems to be perpetual toil or a period of waiting.....as I re-study to take an exam......I see how things seem quite cyclical and on-going. It seems to amaze me that anything ever gets done, any progress gets made......that there could ever be anything which one would note as change. However, there is and it is amazing - - be it suffrage or merely aging.

This is on my mind because I have no life right now - - so the most minute detail seems wildly interesting and distracting. Last night, I took a break from studying about corporations to have a little smoke break outside in the rain.....and was amazed by all the snails that love to arrive all over my neighborhood whenever it rains. Now they seem to be in perpetual toil.....but last night as I emerged from the house on my back......I noticed that their snail's pace looked like pure bliss. This may be the observation of a crazy lady - - hopped up on Sudafed and fed up with studying, but sliding slowly along the damp sidewalk seemed to be a perfectly wonderful adventure (last night).

I also think of the funny lives of most animals......when examined by my ever so keen eye. Exclude most domestic animals which we have somewhat humanized. Their lives seem to be all about doing and surviving and heavily weighted with burden. The snail carrying its house on its back, the lion hunting for food, etc. Yet perhaps the greater burden is carried by us.....this burden of analyzing and rationalized decisions....the hyper awareness of feelings and the ever awareness of our existence and the question of whether it is apathetic or not. Does the monkey become the man? And if so.......what is Man's destination?

Ok - that's all I got for crazy insight today.....in the land of earthquakes, oil, and amoeba......I am just happy to feel the music sometimes.

You and I

You and I, we are a lot alike. We drink too much and take ourselves too alternately too seriously and then too frivolously. We love live and we fuck shit up and want to jump off the top of twin peaks and squish what ever may be in our path. Or perhaps like coffee and ice - - the new oil and water - - we are nothing alike at all and fish they do need water.

Today is silly - - running hot and cold and now reaching a tepid lukewarm at best. I have again learned to laugh at myself and recall again why that should happen much faster and usually it does. But sometimes and for some reason I can't seem to find the land of humor before 10 am and sort of want to punch anyone who does and then hug them and then smack them in the face.

That being said, this morning I awoke not at my homestead but with clothes to wear to my illustrious job where I have done nothing at all all day but likely make the office reek of cigarettes. When I finally stopped hitting snooze on my cell phone which is my arch enemy in the wee hours - which nearly got tossed out the window or fed to the cat, I went to take a shower. Ok - easy task right - - but alas no hot water or perhaps just user error. One would think that by this stage in life that I could of course work a shower even if it is of the complicated variety which this one was not - - but one would be wrong. I may have a few intelligent thoughts and interesting perspective but I have my faults and failings all the time. So, the shower may have been all my fault? I mean, I get lost trying to find Market St. from one block away - - really I do. It is sad but funny....one would never realize the joy of victory if one never experienced the torment of defeat and I really can own that daily.

Anyhow - - after the shower debacle - - and the only towel was wet --- and did I mention it was before 8am. I just wanted to crawl in a cave but I persevered. I thought go to work a little dirty - - ok a lot dirty.
"This room cost 2,000 dollars a month
you can believe it man it's true
somewhere a landlord's laughing till he wets his pants
No one here dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or anything
they dream of dealing on the dirty boulevard" Lou Reed

So right - things are bleak in my Lou reed - - super emo (that time of the month) pre-8 am fun. And then the kicker - - I try on the dress heels that I have with me and they don't fit one is a 6 1/2 and one is a 7 1/2. Normally this would not throw me into hysterics but today I crumbled like an eight year old girl who just realized her dad wasn't a super hero or her favorite holiday fellow wasn't so real.

After the initial folding of my morning like a crepe.......my top and bottom touching filled with nothing but fluff in the middle. I stayed with my guffaw attitude at the state of my life and the bleak look of tomorrow and the world .....as I stared at my feet clad in orange sneakers and fishnet tights. But then as I chance to peak beyond my nose at the fella across the way....I saw his shoes. They were of that normal suit style leather with little tassels and as I stared I realized he had on two different shoes one black and one brown.

The ice cracked and I could find the surface again. My smile cracked through my silly early am insanity so boldly you'd a thunk it was 7 in the evening....or at least 2 in the afternoon. How silly for caring about shoes and showers when some people can't eat and in the end we all wear one black shoe and one brown shoe sometimes. Plus how cool am I in my orange sneakers and dirty hair - - it's like my true inner expression is oozing out despite my best defenses. So - all you gotta do is dance and laugh and soon it won't be 8 am anymore.......I just gotta remember that tomorrow.

Sabotuer

Life is a series of events which we either accept, create or wreck. Sometimes I see that I am can be my own saboteur - - kicking, hitting killing myself from within - - creating diversions instead of creating a path. Sometimes this is a very very conscious effort and other times merely something that occurs beneath the surface as if it were out of my control - as if it were an addiction.

This is a loose beginning to what I see as an interesting topic......sabotage as self-protection. (As an aside I find it cool and interesting that tuer is the French word for to kill - - Isn't etymology fun - kids?) It is a very strange and true reality and next time you hit that snooze button, don't call the girl back, stay out too late, or leave too soon......think of the sabotuer in you. (Perhaps we feel we are killing the saber.....like chasing the dragon - - but slaying the Tiger or trying to kill the knife (slashing the blade?). Does this make any sense?)

Or maybe it isn't really about sabotage or self-protection but more about trying to achieve something that one knows is impossible - - pure happiness all the time - - and then having to deal with the fiery truth that happiness is fleeting at best and if you think for just a few seconds you may even wonder if it exists at all. Perhaps this sabotuer in me and perhaps you is just proof positive that there is a very thin line between idealism and stupidity.

But what do I know? Not much but at least as much as you - - right? Even if I am in the self-imposed bubble of study and work for the next few months......I am good at sabotage, escapism, insanity......but also happiness, goofiness, love......we'll see which side wins or what funny monster these parts will form.