What Do I want?

I am studying and I will continue. But what happens when you realize this is not what you want? All of my life I have wanted something and this is not it - - - but who am I to define my life by what I don't want? And...and I am so tired of everyone saying that what I do want is hard to achieve.....well fuck it. I mean it is hard to practice law, to be a mother, to play poker, to be nice when you are angry, and it is really hard to suffer in silence. Why should one do something that one does not want to do? The Money? the money.themoneythemoneythemoneythemoney
......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
If I spent as much time writing as I do studying and wishing I wasn't studying, I would be the most amazing writer I could be. I will continue on this path but please oh please let this stop - - I don't want to find more paths and more reasons why I have to be doing something to make money or because I can.......what about happiness? I like writing and music and art and people and if I can't make a life out of that then why oh why should I make a life - - to just keep going to keep on the treadmill of my cock is bigger than yours, my car is so pretty, I ain't got no credit card companies on my back......well really who was ever happy with just the material goods and those who were or are - - are not me. I want the experiences - - I want the life.....I want to fuck shit up and I do not want this and at some point I will have to accept that as ok...maybe after I prove I can have it - - but it might be really fulfilling to walk away from it without that confrimation. I know I have something to share and who cares if it is hard to be a writer - - isn't it so much harder to live a life unfullfilled.....unattempted. I mean in the end we all have something to say and is it so crazy to think that I just may have something that may be viewed as unique?