Thoughts
So...I am trying to finish my laundry and clean up so that I can go home and clean again and in between all of this study. Honestly this is all giving me a big stomach ache and there ain't nothing I can do but continue. So less mundane thoughts...
These are the interesting observations I am having right now. Sometimes during this process I wake up so panicked and have no idea what to do. So, I wake have a cup of tea and perhaps a smoke. Then I always wonder if I was just having a nic fit and this comforts me somewhat, especially due to the double entendre (Nikki having a fit - nic fit - right...). Then it gets better and then sometimes it gets so bad it makes me want to scream. The day is like this. It continues in this fashion. For example, am I so stressed and sick that I am going to vomit? Or have I just not eaten in awhile? Have a smoke - relax. Worry about cancer for a moment - realize there is no time for that. Write out some notecards, read an outline, panic that I am studying incorrectly. Do some multiple choice.....and accidentally fall asleep.
Awake in - yes - a panic. Consider all of my faults. Decide that I am going to fail for one of three reasons : I studying incorrectly, am stupid (that is really more a part of the first one), took too much time off by not studying Sat. night after 10pm and all day Sunday, or that there is some conspiracy going on and actually no one can remember all this information and bar passers are just randomly selected (there is little to disprove this as those who pass are not allowed to retrieve their tests or see their scores - - so run wild with that conspiracy theorists).
This takes some time then perhaps I try to write an essay which leads to much thought about study vs. application and whether I have memorized enough to apply it as of yet. Then I look at my bills and my loans......this leads to odd contemplations - - like perhaps I need a sugar daddy or maybe I could be one of those elite sort of hookers. This thought degenerates (if it really can degenerate much more)to my obviously important fear that I am not hot enough to be an elite hooker or stripper for that matter....which leads to alternately thinking of purchasing breasts (not an actual thought - just the door opener for the following) and then hating the whole damn sex industry and the men who subscribe to that which is almost all (so this thought is fleeting too - don't worry guys - I am a realist). Then I want someone to just love me for me and think I am hotter than any of those fake ladies.......but wait wasn't I studying?
Right - - so make a few phone calls to check on the progress of fellow studiers. Find odd things to be jealous of or worried about and then pick up and outline. Start reading and eyelids heavy - consider font and spelling. These outlines have lots of spelling mistakes. Create a game finding all the spelling mistakes - and realize 2 enjoyable hours have passed filling this totally useless task. Get a little panicked - read a couple of pages and realize that I have not eaten in what?? Days?? Go have a smoke. Worry about cancer and money while ordering extra expensive Nikki style pizza. Think about the new Brad Pitt commercial...wish he was a male whore or in the sex industry (then maybe I could get on board with the whole thing)...or in my bed. Think about sex. Realize I need some - contemplate how I will achieve this goal. Why do I live so far away? Fear of rejection (any form be it "I am busy" or otherwise really wrecks me in this crazy state) stops me from calling to request sex....and I settle for my right hand man.
Oh yes - studying...listen to creepy cds while folding laundry and time seems to be slipping away too quickly. I think about being able to study while I sleep/dream for long enough to realize that I have fallen asleep face down in the laundry and am dreaming but I dreaming about dreaming about studying and that the whole dream is narrated by some creepy guy (oh the creepy cd guy) - - again useless. Ahh...back to the studying..do some more notecards - those are always good. And be damn glad that I am barely sleeping at all because who has time to sleep at a time like this? I am obviously dying of cancer or starvation and going to fail the Bar because I watched the Super Bowl and that hardly matters since even if I passed I wouldn't be hot and sexy - - men don't like smart chicks. Ok - in case you are worried - - see the smile between all these lines........back to work at hand - Evidence or Professional Responsibility. Wait Evidence - ahh - that is better. I need a smoke.
posted by Nikki @ 10:19 AM
2 Comments:
i completely understand.
my bar prep day went almost exactly the same today. wake up and convince myself i'm going to have a real productive day learning property law, but first, lets watch the super bowl recap... on espn 20min, espn 2 25min, espn news 15min, alas maybe cnn has a different take, so over to cnn and then headline news for a bit. then I decide I might as well eat big lunch so as not to get interupted later by hunger when I really start studying (2 hours). however, after pizza, and chips and dip left over from said professional football distraction on previous day, I feel strangely tired and compelled to take a quick nap so as not get get interrupted by fatigue in subsequent productive study session.
next comes my favorite part of the day the discman- walk through the park - coffee aquisition portion. currently I switch between carrelli (the frisky radio mix, his best work I feel), arcade fire, and the james zabiela rennassaince mix.
anywhoo, finally at 3 o'clock I arrive at the law library to study. I feel good intitially upon arrival because I feel scaling the immense hill to usf may compensate for the fact that I sit on my fat ass all day. then i begin to think about said weight problem and spend time on the internet doing diet research... after 30 minutes I usually decide a diet is unrealistic, so I begin to look for women online who are looking for relationships with hefty black dj's carrying lots of financial debt. by that time I have decided if I don't start that I too am going to fail so I usually get a couple few hours in studying.
today, 2 and a half hours in, I happened upon the lanlord tenant section of property outline. almost immediately I retrieved my cell phone from my pocket to see what my account balance was, sure enough, not enough to cover the rent. I glance back at the law. it states the landlord can evict you and sue for damages if you don't pay the rent. I begin to panic. I quickly think of all possible remedies, which I spend 45 minutes doing, an utterrly futile process because I finally settle on resolving the issue in the same way I always do... a call to mom.
it'll be bad ass when this is over. I luhhss ya girlie.
-Kev
Oh boy... That about does in any notion or interest in becoming a lawyer on my part. You guys need this to be done!
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