Hail in San Francisco

Among things that don't occur: Snow in San Francisco. I thought that day when they trucked in all the snow for the ski jump event would be the only day that I would ever see snow in San Francisco. That day (see photo) was actually ridiculously hot...in fact, a friend of mine that attended the event with me said he was about to take off his pants it was so hot. But this weekend, an apocalyptic type of hail storm occurred. Hard chucks of ice ...similar to dipping dots only larger...pelted the streets of San Francisco. People came out of doors, it seemed magical, mystical and a bit eerie. Needless to say it was amazing and quite unbelievable.

That was the start of my weekend. Then a friend of mine that I haven't see in ages arrived in from LA and we reminisced about old and new times...felt lost...tried to come to some resolutions about how and where we were. The oddest part of the discussions was that she changed my feelings about LA to some extent. First, the rent does not seem as steep as SF which is appealing these days. And she kept using the word easy...easy life...refreshing even. She moved to la la land from NYC and I have to say I could use some easy in my life. I feel like I have been working incredibly hard and not seeing the results that I feel I attempt to work toward. I am still continuing, I am not one to think there are vast rewards without any challenge, but I have this feeling sometimes that I am swimming upstream on the salmon run - only I am not the vicious fervent fish but an oddly confused dove finding wings a poor excuse for fins. So - you can see how easy is appealing.

This feeling stuck around for awhile and then I had a run in with another friend while traveling around town in a desperate attempt to retrieve my phone charger as my phone has become the only semblance of a homebase that I have. The conversation was short but impacted me hugely at least at that moment. It seemed implied in the conversation that my friend thought I needed to figure out what I wanted and in some ways, it seemed to me, accept less than what I want.

But how do I answer what I want...I mean I try, I think I am on a path. I am trying not to freak out on a daily basis that actually right now in the immediate present I am nowhere just here. Just in this purgatory...homesick for some unknown home. The path in front of me surely is there but is yet to be built and the twisted road behind me is covered with fog...and there is no going back.

What do I want really? I want to pass the fucking bar. I want to be allowed to practice in the field that I have worked so hard to be allowed to dally within. I want to finish writing a novel fully and completely. I want to find love. I want to be a mom. I want to travel everywhere. I want to teach kids somewhere for some period of time (Yes I still consider South Korea). I want own something...land, a home, a car - someplace to call my own. I want to change the world even if only in a small way. I want to finally learn to play that guitar I bought so long ago. I want to learn to ride a motorcycle, to run a marathon, to DJ, to play tennis, to fix a car engine, and to do a cartwheel. I want to be debt free. I want to live without fear or at least be so comfortable in my own skin that the fear is merely a feeling and never paralyzing.

In the immediacy of right now...I want to be able to get by all by myself. Have a job that pays my bills and have a home with a bed of my own.
I have an interview tomorrow. I find out about the Bar in May.

Hopefully, if all goes well I will figure out how to fly and stop trying to swim. I am working at this really hard. This is my life right now. I am trying terribly hard to be strong. I am ready to stop being in the shadows of life and walk trembling to center stage. I just need a little help and I am digging deep to disgorge it from within myself.

I know for a fact this time right now is the rawest self I have ever been and I am trying my damnedest to not douse it with additives in order to dull the actual true sensation of me. I am trying to be inside of my vulnerability and deal with it and not run away. I am hoping that if I stop paddling trying to escape that I will wash up on dry land in the sun and it will all start to be clear and doable...because I don't think I get a do-over or to rewind.

But for now there is hail and it is beautiful and amazing and crazy and I love it and I am scared. It is hard. But I grew up in Boston and March is a hard month...and it must be remembered that March breaks the cold of winter and lets the oft needed spring in again. Some things need to be broken...and most breaking hurts.