Inhaling Thrills

"This place is a prison
And these people aren't your friends
Inhaling thrills through $20 bills
And the tumblers are drained
And then flooded again and again"
- Postal Service

I just thought that was a nice way to bring up the fact that there is a new $10 coming out...see it is orange and red and yellow...and I do love Orange.

Ok - back in SF - couch surfing for what has now been one week and three days and I have to say it feels much much longer. That is not a bad thing necessarily - - I think it must take a bit of time to get used to any new lifestyle and once I break this horse...she'll ride just the way I need her to. The hardest thing about couch surfing is the lack of time alone. Floors, sleeping bags, couches, people stepping on you aside...it is that I truly enjoy my solitude more now than ever. We must remember I have been studying for three freaking months - lucky to see anyone for 12 - 14 hours a day. Here - now I feel a bit like a turnstyle at a mall entrance. But that is not a complaint at all..change is change. It is necessary for growth and it always takes more adjusting than first seemed necessary.

The hardest realizations are also in some ways the truest and the most obvious. It is strange to realize truisms that are in your face because they are always so obvious to everyone around you but not necessarily to yourself. I like to think of it like this - sometimes I have my nose right up against the wall of this billboard and I am trying to figure out WTF it says but all I see are brushstrokes or millions of pixels. In the end - a few steps back would have done the trick...but you get caught up in the details and in viewing life from your own perspective.

So since I am feeling a bit under the weather and I had an empty apartment and a bed for the past two days. I have taken some time to reflect and sleep comfortably. It has revitalized me a bit...tho the weather, movement, stress of the bar, etc may be catching up to me healthwise. I feel good just pensive but quite strong in some senses.

I mean this is my life and I control it to some extent and I am finding that three months of being gone is a long time and no time at all. Some days in SF this time around - have already been so different - I could not tell you my name or confirm that indeed it was me acting. And somethings and days are bizarrely the same. That is both good and bad. Perhaps I am finally standing a few feet back and can read the billboard for the words - if I want to. A friend of mine says, "It made sense at the time." And sometimes - you just have to go with that and not be too hard on yourself or spend too much time analyzing any one thing.

This weekend was amazing in a lot of ways. The beats of electronic music enveloped me in its arms as tightly as my friends did. The music and the friends that I have missed so much. So many smiles and faces and interesting comments. And the dancing. Part of me has come back to life. That being true...there are a few other things I have to devote my time to right now. Getting a job and myself.

Sometimes I think socializing in clubs has a draw for me that is like a drug and surely much healthier than a drug - - if say one uses music and friends instead of drinking and drugs. But I do have a tendency to let it steam roll over all the other aspects of my life that I love as well...because really no one in the world has better friends than I do :-) I mean I would not even be able to couch surf and find my way in SF if it weren't for my amazing friends - as Jondi and I discussed - Friends are the only true riches.

But there is a real validity of self - a necessity of living - a flower grown from within...that only exists if you take a little solitude for your own passions. I do not want to lose the strengths that I have gained throughout my process of solitary confinement for my studies nor could I ever dream of giving up the riches that are my friends.

So - what really happened in the last week and a half. Too much to write out and far too much to process. But I am glad to be back even if I do want to be careful which shoes I am wearing.