Create

One of my favorite things about blogging is that when you start...you click on the word Create...like magic...bamn...you CREATE...I feel for a moment that I am an artist...I am Picasso in the age of technology.

But what do I bring to you today? The same struggles since this blog started but the feelings have changed as feelings tend to....but isn't that hard to remember. I used to want to get tattooed on my wrist straight down in two lines "Happiness is a choice" Morbid in a way I suppose. Allowing for the needle to permanently etch on the area most oft chosen for defilement by those attempting to choose death. I like the dark side sometimes...it is true...if you knew me you would know that. I am in my truest essence an optimistic dark angel but I am not going start filming plastic bags flying around.

In any case, I have not yet etched that tattoo into my skin but I may someday. I reserve the right. The oddest part is that I think it would really annoy my brother and I really do not want to do that....but tattoos like marriage...although shared with the public are actually a very private thing.

So...how am I the same as when this blog started?

Well I am still trying to grow up or trying not to....in any case I am trying to find a life or rather make one. I still have not passed the bar though I have taken it 4 times with varying amounts of effort including no preparation (last time) to the many months of preparation the time before. I have come very close to passing close enough to make you want to purge all that you contain on the fucked up bar exam graders. Because really what is the difference of a few points....except the right to practice law. The pass rate for the California bar is around 48% (give or take) - so more people fail than pass. This I think about. Also, whenever I take the bar I like to remember that 1) I pay these freaks a lot of money to torture me for three days and 2) I look at the person next to me and wonder which one of us will pass this time. But the bar is going on right now...today....all over the country as it is in California. My friend Kevin is trying to beat down the thing today in Oakland. I hope he does. Me...I am on a break. But since the Bar infects nearly every law student with this perverse Stockholm Syndrome, I will surely return to its embrace for another round.

In the meantime, I am out of work. It is strange to think that being out of work could become somewhat normal. I have become accustomed to losing jobs (or rather them ending as is the case with temp./contract work)...to being in the limbo that most people fear. Although, people change jobs often in this monster.com age, they still seek job security. I have over time become more and more comfortable without security. I highly suggest that everyone find a way to do this. I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOU LOSE YOUR JOB. I am suggesting that you find a way to be comfortable without a net. Here is why. You get to maintain a nearly unshakable status quo with your emotional state. You do have to go totally crazy first though....if you don't believe me....read all my past blogs :)

But really - - can you think of anything save death that is as scary as not knowing where your next dollar will come from or what your future holds? Be honest. Change...and open slate...freedom in the truest sense....choice....all sound great and they are at 17...but when you grow up a bit they can mimic hell on earth. I mean I have spent the better part of three years now not having a freaking clue how I would pay my rent, my bills, or feed myself. And the credit does run out. And it has. So what do you do then?

First, be very glad you are not supporting anyone but yourself. I really want kids (though I am admittedly terrified by the idea at the same time) but I am grateful not to have to figure out how to feed a wee one and myself. Though I must say having a relationship is a good thing in a time of need. When you are down and out, it is really nice to have someone around who is not. The only trick there is not become jealous or petty toward them... you will learn to overcome this envy if you fail the bar a few times.

Anyway...the reason why it is good to be comfortable in the land of no security is because it teaches you patience, creativity, and faith. Not faith in that "I just won the Superbowl....Thank you God...I am going to Disneyland" kind of way. Fuck Disneyland. I am not religious mainly because I think religious institutions have caused so many wars in the name of faith from the Crusades to Jihads... not that I think wars in the name of capitalism or oil are any better...they are not but at least they make more sense. Now think that out because it is true. I think war is ridiculously stupid and infantile but think it out. Waging a war because God wants you to or you need to kill the heretics, heathens, faithless....or waging a war because the other guy has what you want or even "need" (used ever so wrongly).... now that makes sense in a way. I mean substitute Water for Oil and you will probably agree - right? If one country had all the water and you were without.....your people were dehydrating on the sides of streets...a barely walking Pompeii....What would you do? If the meanies would not give you the water....you'd take the AK-47 and kick some fucking ass. Now - I don't think war is simple and I don't think Oil is anything like water....but you can see the parallels. But back to faith.

So - being out of work teaches you faith (and patience and creativity). Not faith in God or whatever....but faith in life. Faith that things will somehow continue. This reminds me of "Shakespeare in Love"...the mysterious way in which everything always turns out alright. I mean it doesn't always turn out alright. But it is circular - so in fact - it does. I imagine you are wondering if being jobless has turned me into a Buddhist and maybe it has but that is not the point. The faith it teaches you is a faith in change...a faith in the journey. This is incredibly hard to remember at times. I have been driven to tears when I have forgotten this fact on MANY MANY occasions. I guess it is like this....I am out of a job and there are two ways of thinking: 1) "I will never find work again" or 2) "This is temporary". And no one knows which is true but most people that bet on # 2 will win....the odds are better. So, you put your money on lucky number two and since you have none...it is a very safe bet. Be you know things will change...not matter what that is true...and there is no end. Remember that all you goal oriented people. I am goal oriented myself....I went to law school for chrissake. But there is no end of the tunnel...there is no one place to get to...this is not about the destination. If it was...what would the goal be? Death....cause that seems to be the only certain thing ( I met this couple once who lived in the woods as war protesters and never paid any taxes...crazy hard...but possible....so only Death is certain).

So what is the point? I am going to go with Happiness. I see that as the point of it all. Joy. Now what gives you joy may change...but it is there somewhere (I think). Again...this is not easy not easy at all...but it is simple. Happiness is a choice. That being said...I still think it is good to have goals.

But you know if I am very honest I think I could do it. I think I could do the whole Buddha on the hill thing....something tells me I could sit for a very long time....and something tells me that would not be pointless at all. However, either I am not there yet or that is not what this life is for (for me). I am quite intrigued with love and even believe I am in it....and thus the whole selfless Buddha on the hill things seems flawed in that you can never really do that with someone else...though I suppose in its essence you do that with 'the world'. But I guess "I" am not quite willing to give up the individual I have come to know in this skin....not yet anyway. See - I still have some fears (lots - I am sure).

Patience...because Rome wasn't built in a day. Evolution takes time baby. That is just the way it is....find a comfortable seat because this is a long journey and you DO NOT want to spend it complaining that you don't have a window seat.

Creativity....that one should explain itself. You got nothing but lemons wachoogonnado? You gotta get up...do things...find ways to make money or satisfy your needs/scratch your itches.

Having Money is Nice...I imagine. And I hope to someday be able to pay back all those crazy student loans and credit cards but right now I can't. So, I have to admit that and be happy. I mean you have to prioritize - right? You need to pay your rent and buy food. So those are first...then you do what you can. Sometimes you need a glass or four of wine or a weekend in cabo or whatever your thing is....sometimes you need a book.....or a lover...and sometimes you need good credit to buy a house. Right now only a fool would sell me a house but I am ok with that for now. That is the faith right there.....not the faith that someday I will buy a house....but faith in the now. Now is not all bad and Now is all I really have....so fleeting and yet so constant. Interesting indeed. Also it just dawned on me how nietzche and philosophy and self-help books are quite similar. I like to think all these thoughts I am spouting are evolved and intellectual a la friedrich or better Thomas Merton but I fear I sound all new agey.

In any case....I may not feel so highly evolved tomorrow...who knows....but in every case Tomorrow never really comes (It is always today - ha ha). But right now I can realize things for what they are. Some things are screwed up....I have a law school education but am currently unable to find a job and subsisting meagerly on unemployment...and not paying bills all over the place. I see a lot of 866 or 888 or calls from "CALL" but such is life. I have learned that sometimes that happens and how you deal with it matters more than the fact that it is happening. This is life right now and it may not always be fair...but that can be ok.

I haven't had a lobotomy...as far as I know...I have just come to believe that I should appreciate what I do have and not dwell on what I don't have. As I sit here and type this blog on my laptop in my nice apartment that I share with the man I love....I know I have a lot...a fucking boat load of a lot and I should not ever take that for granted. That said...I will need to find a way to earn a living soon...I know that and I want that....I am just trying to find my niche and convince others of it as well. You gotta feed your hunger...

So what to be when I grow up? Well that is a great question. What I have: A law school education (not the license), Two BAs (one in English, One in Comp. Lit.), some contract jobs involving Concordance/Paralegal type stuff, and internships. And a lot of Debt (don't call it good debt....that makes no sense to me). What I like to do: Travel, Write, listen to music, Read, new things, I do enjoy math (but have little reason to use it), and lately rock climbing. So...what should I do? Who should I morph into? What is my career path? Do you know? I am trying to sort that out....tattoo or no tattoo.