I am a Fop

Down down down....

So - I did not get the job that I interviewed for - - with the five people...so that is no good.

But even better...John (my boyfriend) is leaving august 1st to go to Argentina for 6 months to a year. So I have a boyfriend until Aug. 1st. Love is a stupid and foolish thing and this is why I continue to stay in the game until the bitter end because...as John said and as is true ...There is nothing wrong with our relationship...

there is obviously something wrong with me...I am not quite sure that I understand what that is...but I suppose when the eviction notice and the police show up on my door...they may start to paint a picture;...I figure that due to my debt eventually this will occur...

Why do I tell you - all two of you? Because I don't know what else to do and I suppose misery loves company...or an outlet. Oh well fuck it all anyway.

I think it is fitting that this is Independence day...I suppose I should celebrate my upcoming indepedence...

In the words of Joni Mitchell:
"I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all"

And still I know this is love and because this is life....it has become this accident...a crash ...funny how I thought that if this crashed there would be an ambulance and one of us would be driving it and would find a way to fix it - - but then I am a romantic...

But such is life...at least I did get to shuck (sp?) an oyster this weekend and oddly and fittingly our love still continues and is beautiful and fun and easy...and that is good but after this I am out of this game...it is a losing game...filled with cowards who see love and commitment as settling or stifling or something to done after the age or 30 or something that means nothing....because I used to think saying "I Love You" meant that you would support each other and grow and dicsover the world together and trust in one another....But apparently it is a one way ticket out of dodge to the selfish land of "freedom" (which just means "I don't love you enough to take any risks...I love you because you are convenient")...so listen and I mean this as a warning .....if anyone ever decides to tell me that they love me again...please attach your definition so that I can try to comprehend...and as optimiistic as I may be...I am going to try my damnedest to keep all of my love for me cuz I just don't got much more left and I am running really low and I don't give a fuck what the Beatles say...the love you get is not equal to the love you give.