Chasing The Dragon

Or just up late....but perhaps I should start my Heroin smoking now while I have time (kidding). It is an odd awful and wonderful thing to be jobless and nearly homeless and sort of young.

It makes every day an experience....a heightened experience.... you're seeing the dragon connection - eh?....see don't want to Shanghai you...just easing you in to my world....one which right now does not involve smoke. I tend not to smoke unless I am out drinking etc. And thus haven't had a cigarette since like Sunday sometime in the am.....however sometimes like right now I crave cigarettes like a vampire blood, a junkie a fix.....but it's all gone Pete Tong.....so I regress (is that the right word?).

These days are like summers eternal and like Dante's Inferno....I lavish every moment and I fucking want it to end. No one does well constantly building themselves anew (except maybe Madonna - whom I love...so hmmm) - but this jobless - penniless building is for the birds. I mean it is also exciting and great. I apply for jobs in fields from writing to technology and of course law.....for pay from $15/hr to $200 K/year and usually have about an equal shot of getting any of those jobs - really.

Choices are great really - they are the cheese of life (come on everyone loves cheese)....but wide open range and no direction is both refreshing and terrifying. How will one head in the right direction? How can one follow the true guides? Or more succinctly - How can I pay my rent?

Divine - Bovine....I am hungry and I would like some wine. No I am not crazy but sometimes I feel real damn close. I mean I have always lived this life I wanted....do whatever I want and somehow it'll work itself out.

But lately the walls are shrinking in....I mean I have faith and drive and apply to a million jobs daily....just I am not sure I am qualified for a single damn one.

It is like how I lived in Paris and still feel guilty that I didn't learn enough French...or something in there - like I have let guilt overcome power or at least confidence. I just want a job and it is hard to feel job worthy when temp. jobs unexpectedly let you go. And I don't want any pity for that - pity sucks and I loathe it. A low feeling is bound to arise from a plethora of things death, debt, loss of job and loss of girl/guy.....being the obvious big ones. But life goes on and I hold my chin high...like a jester to the king and hope for my pride to let go of the string that make the tears form behind my eyes.....and eventually it does...for all of us....after each fall.

And so I write this little bit far too late in the night....to remind myself to be strong that things will change and paths and dragons will fade to their white ashen graves.

That someday I will still be a good Mom even if I couldn't figure out my post-grad school life in one fell swoop (and no I am not a Mom - but someday - I hope to be....) or two swoops - maybe the third time is a charm. And sometimes I think I stay in this damn city that is more expensive than nearly any city in the world to prove that I can make it here.....because sometimes love takes work....

But sometimes work is easy....I mean today I sent out a few resumes made a few phones calls and went to the beach because it was sunny and I needed sun....but tomorrow will be another day.....and I swear I will make San Francisco mine one day. I bring her flowers, and smiles, and music, made her a member of the mile high club....feed her mashed potatoes in bed......and dance under the moon...ok I totally don't think anyone is reading anymore.....and I am a dork....vent over....

Goodnight.